I have spent hours in aisles trying to find “us” somewhere between the “You & Me” and beneath the heavy yet heart filled “Hallmark Gold Crowns.” Maybe I am trying to capture something remarkable, but insightful and true, something that may come close to saying things that maybe I just don’t know how too…Well, obviously one wasn’t found. I have wanted to reach out to you but I haven’t, I wanted to wait for some sort of invitation…but never received one.

So  I am taking this as my summons. I know you well enough to know this time you actually feel real, validated and possibly in love. I see it in pictures, that I know aren’t mine to be seen. I almost feel like I am violating some sort of unwritten rule, by browsing what is public anyway. I tell myself I really don’t want to know, even though I know I do. And lets admit it, so do you.

This is my first separation from you.  We have had our times apart, but this is the first time I am “alone’. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally which we never were, I thought we never would be. This is only out of endearment and respect for you that I am. I am nowhere to be found, erased from casual good mornings and deleted from those sweet good nights. I owe this to you, but is s a cold reminder of my regret. For I know longer have that right, because I guess in part, somewhere you let go and I had to give up and give away. I try to imagine all the things that cross your mind, all the beautiful things I selfishly thought I held.

What I should have said was that I’m a neurotic lover who lashes out at others to compensate for the faults I find in myself. If I had told you this up front, then maybe things would have been different. What I should have said was that I’m quicker to point out flaws than bestow praise. Maybe you wouldn’t have had to guard your words for fear of engaging in a grammar war. What I should have said is that meeting new people irritates me, then you may have had to spend less time defending my skepticism by others. In polar opposites we sit on this one, you welcome and need newness even at the disposal of others and the preconceived notion that it really will only mean nothing at all. Or rather what I should have said was nothing, then maybe you wouldn’t have felt guilty just for trying. But ultimately what I should have said was “I’m sorry.  Because then just maybe we wouldn’t be so “now” instead still hiding beneath that blanket of stars and love that always felt so young yet so deep, and aged in truth.

Thank you for being an example of what unrequited love looks like. I  try to

 allow myself to forgive me for losing you, it is a permission that I seek but haven’t been granted. I love you…. I will always love you. You showed me the world in ways I hadn’t seen before. I had been a creature of the dark and so I am again but you showed me that the daylight was as beautiful as anything in the dark. You taught me much, but I know, you won’t believe it…And even now I continue to learn from your absence. Your are still so very alive within me. You steal the directional view of my pupils, your my literary balance somehow torn and tangled into my mundane routine. But mostly you are my un-inked tattoo.

Maybe it’s true, if you love something let it go. I’ve had no choice, you were long gone by body before soul, and you were distracted before distanced. There was a time you let me go….I am left perhaps returning that favor. Loving you now, when you are not mine.

Published by J.J.Celli

JJCelli has been expressing herself through writing most her life. She holds two BA degrees and a MA degree in Forensic Psychology. Celli enjoys challenging herself intellectually and physically and lives a life of health and fitness. Celli is a survivor of childhood trauma as well as a survivor of intimate partner violence/gun violence. After recovering she became an advocate and speaker on intimate partner violence in the LGBTQ+ community. JJCelli is working on developing her forthcoming book of poetry titled "Love Letters and Pocket Knives" to be released soon.

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